


Another Step Closer

by BreatheAndFocus



Category: Caduceus | Trauma Center Series
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2452478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreatheAndFocus/pseuds/BreatheAndFocus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an argument at Montgomery Memorial, Markus and Valerie must decide on how they wish to proceed with their partnership in Alaska. But sometimes, accidents occur that cannot be accounted for. (A oneshot that fills in some backstory for Trauma Center: New Blood.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another Step Closer

Call me stubborn, but I'm not apologizing for this one.

I always concede when we fight, but I know I'm not at fault this time.

Val was the one who insisted on following me to Alaska to learn the Healing Touch. I didn't make her, I didn't even know she was going to do it. If she hates it here, it's her own mistake that got her into this. I'm getting tired of her bullshit.

l got the idea three months ago, I still have the idea now: She's miserable here. I feel terrible about it, because all she wanted was for me to teach her my ability.

Except I've done literally everything I can at this point.

There's only so much I can do, and the rest, she'll need to learn on her own.

She has no right to accuse me of anything. I'm not obligated to help her, but I'm trying my damn hardest with this task she's practically forced onto me. Who does she think she is, trying to tell me otherwise? _She's_  the one who skipped off work early today because she's getting tired of Montgomery Memorial, and  _I'm_  the one not putting in the effort?

She's never going to get close to accomplishing her goals if this is how she treats them. She has a lot of growing to do, it seems. Or maybe it's not even that. She just has a spitfire temper she needs to get a handle on. She riles up easily, and she hates it when I stay calm about that. Then again, she'd hate it just as much if I got mad, so there's really no way of winning, is there?

It doesn't really matter this time. I'm not compromising: I have my reasons for being in Alaska, I have my reasons for wishing she'd stayed at Concordia, but she has asked for my help and I've done nothing but try to provide what I can. If she's disappointed by her own lack of progress, I wish there was more I could do, but I won't stand by and take the blame nor criticism for it. She'll never learn anything if I do. And those personal insults were unwarranted.

She was just blowing off steam. I shouldn't let it get to me.

Any yet, here I am, sitting at the park after work, after dark, overthinking it, the same way I overthink everything else. At this rate, I'll really will end up apologizing again, just to stop the guilt. She may be wrong, but I also said some things I shouldn't have.

It's really cold out here. I'm wearing gloves, and I still can't feel my fingers. I should probably go home. Seriously, freezing myself to death while sulking in the ice and snow doesn't help anybody.

But the sight of the stars is relaxing, no matter how chilly it is. The snow has stopped for the time being, but there's still a lot of it on the ground. The lake has also frozen over somewhere underneath. I normally wouldn't be out at this time, but I dodged the late shift for a change, and no one has asked for my company after work since I left Concordia. There's nothing I need to do and nowhere I need to be.

Perfect.

I came all this way to be alone, but that's been surprisingly difficult, in no small part thanks to Val. I make that sound like a bad thing, but it really isn't. She isn't unpleasant to have around. She complains a lot here, sure, and sometimes she doesn't think about consequences. She can be a little too idealistic (it's going to get her hurt one day). But she has a lot to say about many things, and damn, she's intelligent and very well informed about almost all of it. I'm never bored talking to her, even if I don't agree with her sometimes. Assuming there are no personal attacks on her or her viewpoints, she's also quite willing to sit down and debate, as well. She's given me so much to think about in our two years of knowing each other. She's a lot more extraverted than I am, so she has a different set of skills and experience to fall back on. We each have strengths that the other lacks, and doing any less than our best is a waste of both of our time. We compliment each other very well.

That said, her extraversion is also why she's such a pain. I never saw this side of her at Concordia, due to it being closer to the city. I do feel some sympathy for her, sure - There really is nothing to do out here for someone like her. She goes to church sometimes to ward off what seems more and more to me like cabin fever, but otherwise, she's stuck going from work to home to work again, with little to do in between. Maybe visit a coffee shop, or grab local fish at the market. I'm not a social guy, I personally don't need much more than that, but Val, I swear this life is driving her insane. However, I draw the line when I remember it was her own choice to follow me. She doesn't have to stay here. We've been partners for a while, but she could've found someone else.

I wish she had.

I can't stop worrying about what may happen.

Maybe it won't be a problem at all, and I can leave Stigma behind me.

That would be best, wouldn't it?

Running away doesn't solve anything, but I struggled to look at myself or anyone else within those walls for weeks before I made my decision. I could hardly concentrate, I felt as though I might self destruct under the pressure of what I had created. I don't even know its full potential, and yet, here I am, trying to shut it out.

It completely destroyed my partnership with Professor Wilkens. I'd been sure that it would tear apart Val and I as well. I'd been ready to let it, had she not followed me.

It feels like such a weight on my shoulders. I can hardly stand it.

What is it that I have created?

I only wanted to save lives, and yet...

...It's at times like these I need to focus on better things.

I pull one of my legs into my chest and look skyward.

I like it here. It's small, it's quaint. The Northern Lights are gorgeous. Every day, I learn something new. Yeah, it's cold, but that's the only downside I can think of.

I wonder if I'll find myself, like I hoped to when I decided to leave.

It was nice of Dr. Hoover to give me a job here on such a short notice. He did it again for Val, too. I wonder if he regrets that decision, actually. He gets impatient with her frequently. He seems to count on me to get her into line every now and again, but that's the least I can do to repay his kindness. It's getting on both of our nerves, though. She's not a kid, I shouldn't have to babysit her.

I need to be a little harder on her, I think. Maybe that will motivate her. But she's starting to show symptoms of depression. I don't want to make it worse. I've been hoping to help her rather than push her, somehow. Besides, it's not like she's  _not_  doing a good job, she's just not really trying. Val not trying is still better than many at their best, that much is still true, but watching her squander her potential like this is getting to me.

I wish I were better at pep talks. I'm really the wrong person to turn to for a morale boost. Perhaps I should take this issue to Sister Catherine. I'm not religious, but that doesn't really matter: Val is, and I think she'd recover if she could feel like a part of the Church community a little more. I know she's already met some kind families at the place. The staff at Montgomery Memorial is fairly small, so it might not be enough for her, but I think Sundays are pretty busy over there. Maybe…

The snow is starting to fall again. I should get indoors. I'm not usually out this late. I hope I remember how to get home.

Though I suppose I wouldn't mind getting lost for a while, either. As long as I follow the paths, I'm bound to find my way back eventually. The streets here are mostly self contained. A lot of them turn back onto the main road.

I'm getting to my feet when my phone rings. I rarely ever receive calls, and I've blocked the Professor from reaching me via cell. There's only one person it can be, then.

I check the caller ID. Valerie Blaylock. I'm not surprised, just confused. What does she want from me at this time? I quickly answer, pressing my phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"...G-Good evening, Markus."

"Is something wrong, Valerie?" I ask, unable to mask my urgency. Since when are Val and I formal with one another? Is she okay?

"N-No! No, nothing's wrong."

...Hm.

"Alright, then. Did you need something?" I'm feeling a little wary, after everything we said earlier. She doesn't sound angry anymore, but it doesn't take much.

She sighs softly, and I can hear a touch of frustration in it. "Where are you right now? I stopped by Montgomery Memorial to talk to you, but they said you went home earlier than usual." After a pause, she adds, "Dr. Hoover said you seemed distressed."

He knew? That surprises me a bit, but really, it shouldn't. He has a tendency to notice these things. He cares a lot about the mental well being of those he works with. "I've had a lot on my mind," I say, trying to be somewhat evasive about it. It really doesn't matter at this point, does it?

She sighs again, this time sounding upset. "Is it what I said, Markus?"

How am I supposed to answer that? My first inclination is to tell her not to worry about it, but it did hurt. I'm sensitive to that kind of thing, and she may be one of the only people who knows it. Still, I'm used to it by now, maybe not from her, but from others. There's a reason I spend a lot of time trying to find peace within myself instead, and why I had to leave Concordia when I couldn't.

"Why did you go back to the hospital?" I ask, choosing to avoid the question. With a smirk, I also prompt, "Did Dr. Hoover chew you out for leaving early? He said he was going to."

"Ugh. Yeah, he did," she mutters, seeming resigned. "Really, though, I deserved it this time."

"That you did. I wish I'd been there."

"Oh, be quiet." She's torn between being offended and amused, but she returns to being sincere moments later. "I shouldn't have left. I know that, it was irresponsible of me." She doesn't need to hear the speech again: We're surgeons. If someone who needs us comes in and can't get help because we've walked out, that's on our hands. Yes, Montgomery Memorial is a small hospital out in the middle of nowhere. We get less patients than a normal hospital. That doesn't mean we can relax. If anything, it means we should work harder, because we get some peculiar cases around here. I'm sure that's exactly what Dr. Hoover told her, though. I don't need to be redundant, and she doesn't learn well from lectures, anyway. This will hopefully be the only time she ever does this.

I can tell she's thinking, even from the other end of the line, and after a moment, she continues. "I went back to apologize to him. I...I also went back to apologize to you."

I take a moment to let that sink in. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Knock it off, Markus, I'm being serious!" She sounds stung. I don't mean to hurt her feelings, but...

"Um, I'm serious, too," I admit. "We've worked together for two years and I don't think I've ever heard you apologize for anything." That's always been  _my_  job.

"Hey, that's-!" But then she seems to consider it, and she stops. She contemplates the statement for a long time. "Oh god, I think you might be right."

The sarcastic remark of 'aren't I always?' plays on my tongue, but I ultimately don't say it. If there's anyone who would love an opportunity to refute that line from me, it's her. She probably has examples I don't even remember. "That doesn't really matter now, Valerie. I-"

"No, actually, I think that's a problem."

I release a breath. I'm honestly surprised. I thought she might never notice.

"I know I've always been a bit headstrong, but I never thought...I-I guess it's never too late to start. I'm sorry, Markus. I was looking for a reason to go off earlier, and you just happened to be there." She hesitates for a moment. "Geez, you always just happen to be there, don't you?" She sounds dejected. "I don't know how you put up with me."

"In terms of personality, I'd say there's a lot we don't have in common," I tell her. "So give yourself some credit. I don't know how you put up with me, either." I shrug, even though she can't see it. "But at the end of the day, we still make a pretty good team."

She lets it sink in, and after a moment, I hear her laugh softly. "You're right. We do."

I feel my shoulders relax, and I let myself smile. Fighting between us used to be a lot more common than it is now, but as time has passed, we've learned how to work out minor disputes quickly. And they're usually minor ones. Even major ones didn't used to bother me. They've become infrequent, but now when they happen...I don't know. They don't blow over for me. I lose my appetite, I get restless. The words keep me awake long past reasonable hours, reliving every moment, recollecting everything we both said, I'm constantly working out the best way to fix the problem and wishing I could go back and prevent it. I keep wondering if maybe this time, we've damaged our connection beyond repair. It never used to be like this.

Spending years with any same person at your side can do that, I guess. Professor Wilkens springs to mind. He was like my father, and our falling out still keeps me up at night, thinking...

Maybe I'm afraid of losing Val, too.

I never really said goodbye to anyone at Concordia before I left, for this reason. I wasn't supposed to go. I was ordered not to. I wonder what they think of me now.

I'm reminded of what Val claimed. I wonder if that's true...

"Do you think any place would be open at this hour?" Val asks, breaking me from my thoughts.

"I'm not sure. I'm inclined to say no, but I've never checked out the shops at this time." I've always assumed they shut early.

"Lucky's might be open," she suggests. "How about I treat you to dinner?"

Really? "Seriously, who are you and what have you done with Valerie?" I tease.

"Are you coming or not, wise guy?" she asks sarcastically. "Where are you right now?"

I never did answer her that, did I? "I'm at the park."

"Oh, really? I'd have thought you were at home by now."

Well, I thought about it. "I couldn't relax," I tell her. "I've been here since I left work."

I think this time she's quiet because she's shocked. "Just sitting there at the park?"

"You know, you're right," I realize. "I don't think I've even moved." No wonder I have leg cramps.

"...Don't you get bored?" she asks incredulously.

"Honestly, I'd rather be bored." I'd rather be bored than anxious. I'd prefer having nothing to over sitting in the same spot, unable to do anything other than stewing in my thoughts for long periods of time, rethinking every line, tormenting myself with regret. It's not healthy, I should know better than that.

I remember how I used to meditate to combat it.

I haven't been able to meditate, to focus, I've hardly been able to use my Healing Touch, since the creation of Stigma.

No wonder I can't teach Val anything.

Maybe it really is my fault, then.

"Markus." She must know at least part of what I'm thinking. "There are times where I'll say I was right. I'll hold my ground on some of the arguments we've had until the end of time. And even if you've said sorry just to end them, I know you feel the same. This is not one of those times for me. I shouldn't have said any of those things. I knew they would hurt. That's why I said them. I wanted you to get mad. And then I got offended when you did. I'm sorry."

At least she admits it.

_'How can you be so calm out here, Markus? How can you even stand this?! Why Alaska, of all places!?'_

_'You keep asking me that, but I really don't see the issue.'_

_'There's nothing out here!'_

_'See, unlike you, I don't have a problem with that.'_

_'What about everyone else you left behind!? Don't you miss them!?'_

_'...Depends on my mood, but does it really matter either way? I can't go back.'_

_'Why not? What was so important that you had to drop everything like that? You won't even tell me why we're out here!'_

_'Why_ I'm _here is none of your business, Valerie. As for why_ you're _here, you should know. I didn't make you follow me, that was your decision.'_

_'You know what, maybe I shouldn't have.'_

_'Maybe not.'_

_'I haven't learned anything out here, Markus! Are you even trying anymore?'_

_'Of course I am. What makes you think otherwise?'_

_'I'm doing everything possible to get what I can out of this, and you said you'd keep helping me, but all you ever do is pace the halls of this hospital, brooding to yourself!'_

_'I tend to do my brooding off the clock, thanks.'_

_'Oh, come on, smartass, everyone's noticed! And yet, no one knows why you're here!'_

_'Valerie, please, stop. I keep telling you, it's a personal issue-_

_'A personal issue?! If someone died, you could at least say something! We could help you! I'd get off of your back about if I just knew what the problem was.'_

_'...It's nothing like that. Don't worry.'_

_'What is it, then?! Did your girlfriend break up with you?! That's a great reason to fly all the way to Alaska, abandon your responsibilities, and stop trying!'_

_'Where did you even-? Look, if I said yes to one of your off the wall suggestion, would you leave me alone? Seriously, you're being ridiculous.'_

_'_ I'm _being ridiculous?! You made some promises at Concordia, you know, there were people you left livid! I was one of them!'_

_'Look, it's not my job to make sure you're happy out here or anywhere else. You came all this way, I'm doing what I can to teach you-'_

_'Doing what you can!? What have you ever taught me!?'_

_'Well clearly, I haven't taught you not to cross the line. I'm telling you to stop. Now.'_

_'What, am I pissing you off?'_

_'Were these last two years some kind of a joke to you? How have you learned nothing?! If you haven't gotten anything out of our time together at this point, you don't get to throw that on me!'_

_'Tell me, what would you be without your Healing Touch, anyway, Markus!?'_

_'You know, as long as I wasn't like you, I think I'd be alright. Look, you think you're trying out here, Valerie, but you're not, so stop pretending. I know what it looks like when you try, and this isn't it.'_

_'That's bullshit! What right do you even have to judge me!? You always have a smug, arrogant attitude about everything you do, what makes you think you're so great!?'_

_'How does leaving Concordia make me smug or arrogant?!"_

_'Do you think that just because you have this special ability that you can do whatever the hell you want!? That you can selfishly abandon people on a whim so you can slack off at whatever location you choose to go to!? That's why everyone thinks you left Concordia, you know, because you got tired of all the hard work and wanted a vacation! Do you even give a damn about saving lives-'_

_'That's enough! You don't know anything about why I left, why I had to, not even wanted to,_ had _to, or what I might be going through as a result. Do you think this is easy for me, Valerie!? No one just ups and travels this far from home because they got bored one day, and I didn't have an excuse like you did! If you thought this might be fun for you, well that's perfect, but there's something I need to find out here, and if I can't find it, I don't know if I'll recover! And what does saving lives have to do with any of this?! Would I be a doctor if that wasn't my first priority?! If it wasn't what I lived for?! What the hell do you know about me!?'_

_''Something you need to find'?! You think you're so mysterious, don't you!?'_

_'Or maybe I think I don't owe you any sort of explanation!'_

_'Why wouldn't you owe me one!? You said you'd teach me then you left me there!'_

_'I had my reasons!'_

_'We've been working together for a long time. Did it mean anything to you at all, Markus?!'_

_'Clearly, it meant nothing to you. After all, I've taught you nothing. I have no integrity worth noting. Look, maybe my reasons for being here are selfish, but so are yours. Maybe I needed some space, some time, and you know what? Maybe you're interrupting. I didn't make you follow me, Valerie, so if you want to go home, then_  go home! _I'm sorry that I wasted your time.'_

...We should've never let it get personal.

"...You're never interrupting my space or time, Valerie. I know how hard you're working, and I know you'll reach your goal. I look forward to the day." It's the first form of an apology that springs to mind. She isn't bothering me. Really, I don't know what I'd do without her here. I just hate seeing her this way. She shouldn't have to stay in Alaska miserably because of me.

...I've told her where I am, but I should meet her at the intersection. I stretch my legs slightly before I start making my way across the park.

"And I know you're doing what you can to accommodate me," she answers. "You've taught me a lot already. I mean really, if you hadn't, I wouldn't have joined you out here, right? It was silly for me to say otherwise." I nod slightly to myself. She can only learn if she's willing to make an effort. I wish it were easier than that, but this isn't really textbook work we're talking about here. "I know how much your job means to you, Markus. You've been a doctor longer than I have. And you're not here for a holiday." Teasingly, she points out, "You would've picked somewhere warm."

I smirk slightly. The Northern Lights may have been a slight factor in my decision to choose this place, but she is right. She knows me pretty well. It isn't what I'd exactly call my ideal vacation spot here.

I'm here because I needed to get away.

"...Thanks." It makes me feel better to hear that from her. I consider continuing this way as we go through what needs to be made up for, but after a few failed attempts to put the words together, I figure it'll be easier to play it off. "I would rather not be you, though, I think that part is still true."

She snorts. "Thanks! Your personality sucks too! I wouldn't have it any other way."

I chuckle in response. "Me neither. Glad we've got that settled."

Sentimentality isn't my strong suit. It feels far easier to laugh at ourselves, and I can feel a warmth from the teasing that's far more relaxed than simply apologizing back and forth.

After a moment, I hear her groan. "Can you believe it, Markus? Nurse Bloom asked me yesterday why we weren't married yet."

This surprises her? People have been saying that to me since our early days together in Concordia, back when I genuinely didn't like her. I'm used to it by now.

"What, you mean we're not?" I ask wryly.

"Wha-? Oh, come on. Damnit, Markus."

If she could see my face right now, she'd punch me.

But back on subject...

What else was said that bares repeating, or clarification?

...It's the truth that hurts the most, but she does need to hear it. It's important.

"I did mean it when I said you were free to go home. You aren't obligated to stay at this hospital." I bite my lip, recalling her content smiles, the borderline mischievous glint she gets in her eyes when she's excited. I haven't seen either of them once since we both left. "I'm worried about you. You're miserable here."

"Worried, huh?" she murmurs. I hear her footsteps stop on the other line, and instinctively, I stop, too. I look up towards the sky, watching the falling snow. I wonder if she does the same. "I'll find my way, if you promise to find yours." Her voice becomes a whisper. "I don't know what happened, Markus, but you aren't happy anymore." There's something in her tone as she says it. I don't know what it is, or why she cares, or why I care that she does, but my chest hurts, and I don't know what to do. "You hide it so well, sometimes even I forget that something's wrong, but..." Her voice cracks slightly, and without thinking, an apology escapes my lips. Why…? "You don't need to say that you're sorry. I only wish I could help you, somehow." Desperately, and not for the first time, she asks, "What happened?"

...Why can't I tell her?

I think I'm afraid she won't forgive me.

If this thing gets out and kills people, it'll be all my fault.

If I can't even forgive myself...

"It's a personal matter," I say, and I hear her sigh in disappointment. She's tired of hearing that, I'm sure. I'm tired of saying it, but I can't form the words to explain otherwise. I wonder if she'd even believe me. There's so much about Stigma that's completely beyond the scope of medical science right now, and I stumbled upon it by _accident_? It sounds like a joke. So I won't even try to explain it. Instead, I pick up my pace across the park and try to lighten up the situation. With a smirk, I say, "You know, in hindsight, I find it interesting that you thought I had a girlfriend." I've had a few in the past, but I thought the problem would be immediately obvious to her, after our years together: I enjoy being a doctor, I'm constantly busy, and I usually work long hours. I've discovered the hard way that this makes a romantic relationship difficult to actively maintain. I'm also not so good at letting my partner down when I realize it's not working, simply because emotions leave me somewhat tongue tied. My last relationship, quite a long time ago at this point, endured my schedule for three years before it ended abruptly and bitterly for both me and my girlfriend. I haven't bothered with love since.

"Oh, come on." She sounds amused. "You're handsome, you're intelligent, you're witty. It must drive some girls crazy."

"All I know is that it drives  _you_  up the wall." Which is not the same thing, as far as I know.

"Well, yeah, but I see the appeal." She sounds more relaxed now that we've settled the earlier issue. Now I need to figure out how to cheer her up at work. "Never mind that, though.  _I_ find it interesting that when I mention girls being interested in you, your first thought is to mention me."

Oh, geez. Can we not do this? I wouldn't say I fluster easily, but I wouldn't say I'm too good at defending myself from accusations like that, either. Not without insulting anybody, anyway.

"That's because I know you're not," I decide awkwardly, trying not to sound too embarrassed.

"Not what, interested?"

"Yeah, I was pretty sure I could assume that much."

She simply laughs and drops the subject entirely, to my relief. "I'm almost there, I think I can see the park right now across the street. About time, too. Do you have an umbrella on you?" The snow has turned more into slush in the meantime, but I don't mind that as much as Val does.

"No, I don't. We can find shelter once we catch up with one another," I decide.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Freezing." The temperature has dropped since I left Concordia. This jacket isn't warm enough.

"I don't even feel bad." She shouldn't. It's my own fault. She says she's close? I look ahead, but I don't see her. She must do the same, because she quickly prompts, "Where are you?"

"I'm not exactly sure," I say, only realizing it as I glance around. I pass this place on the way to work all the time, but I've never really explored it, and certainly not this late. "I was going to meet you at the intersection, but I'm not very familiar with this park. It's not really somewhere you can get lost, though."

"I don't know, you've told me stories, and I'm thinking you could manage that somehow."

"Give me a break." She's never even seen me get lost before. What does she know, anyway? "The street's just up the hill a small distance away, so maybe-"

A jarring, cracking sound from beneath me suddenly catches my attention, and I stop. It doesn't register right away what exactly is going on, but my stomach drops instantly. That can only be bad news, but it doesn't quite strike me why until it's too late.

Due to the snow covering the floor, I hadn't noticed any changes in the terrain underfoot as I walked. Combined with the darkness, my vision hasn't done me any favours.

I had no idea I'd stepped out onto the frozen lake.

I only have a split second between the sound and the breaking of the ice beneath me to reach that conclusion, and that's not enough time to get me to safety before the ground gives way.

Immediately I'm struck by the cold, the sudden shock of it, as the water envelopes my body, and an involuntary gasp causes it to shoot into my lungs. A spasm wracks my throat, my chest, and my respiratory system locks. I attempt desperately to reel in my thoughts as my mind flies into a panic and any form of mental clarity scatters. I have no idea what my body is doing in this rush, but the answer is probably 'nothing'. There's no sensation in it aside from the impact, and with my brain having momentarily released all thought that doesn't pertain to immediate terror, it may have just forgotten how to swim. I can't see, I can't hear, I can't feel anything but the sharp needle-like pain from all sides, I can't breathe, I can't move, I-

At this rate, I'm going to-…

What the hell just-!?

No.

I need to pull it together somehow…!

I don't have time to freak out...!

_Focus!_

The Healing Touch isn't going to do me any good here, if anything, it'll drain me faster, but the concentration required to use it is a powerful thing to have right now!

It feels nearly impossible to pick what I need to be thinking out of the mess of emotion (or maybe it's just horrified confusion masquerading as a mess of emotion). My lungs have simply stopped functioning, but I note to myself that even if they start working again, I'll only inhale more water.

I need air…

The most obvious of realizations is more than enough right now. One step at a time.

This is further than some people get before it's over.

I can use it to guide my actions.

I desperately try to locate the opening I created through bleary eyes and a screaming brain. It's not easy; the water feels as though it weighs me down, my heart is pounding painfully in my chest, threatening to burst, and there's a very significant part of me that still has no idea what the hell is going on. I think I find the way back out, but I can't say for sure. My mind could easily be playing tricks on me. My limbs don't work as efficiently as I need them to, but for now, they will have to do, and I kick my legs, or at least I think I do, reaching upwards to grasp at the ledge.

The lake doesn't look so deep from the outside. Even if I could've seen it beneath the snow, I'd never have guessed the risk. I've never heard of anyone falling through here.

I feel my head narrowly break the surface of the water. My hand sinks into the snow and ice of solid ground around the same moment, but there's no grip to be found, and just as quickly it slips off. My lungs don't cooperate here, either, and my mind thrashes even more when I realize I still can't breathe due to the intake of cold water. I can't panic like this, as excess movement and struggle will only serve to cool me down faster. I know all of this. After all, we have received patients who have fallen through ice at the hospital. And yet, all of the practical knowledge in the world would never have prepared me for this. I didn't even realize I was on ice. It feels like no amount of control will stop my racing mind and twitching muscles. It's not enough. It's never enough. I reach out for a handhold again, but I can't find any form of traction on the ice. The gloves I'm wearing really weren't made for this. I'm quickly losing the feeling in my arms and legs, and I know I'm not going to stay afloat without something to hang onto. I don't have anything sharp on my person to dig into the ground - I don't carry a scalpel around on my person, because I could previously never think of any logical reason to do so. Well, now I know better, I guess, but its not doing me any favors here. The dissolved ice that the falling snow has become feels heavier than it did as it lands against my face and shoulders. My legs feel like weights, and I struggle to stay above the surface. My brain will not calm down from the initial shock, and I can't rescue myself if I can't find a handhold. There's nothing…

I feel myself slip under once more as oxygen deprivation creates a fog over my mind, and I reach out for the ledge once more, only for my fingers to be unresponsive. They do little more than twitch, I think. I'd already been cold from sitting outside for a while, and it has done me no favors. It doesn't matter now. I kick again, trying to get my head above the water in an attempt to cough out what I've already inhaled, to catch a breath so I can clear my thoughts, but I'm not sure I have the strength to do so. The muscles in my legs had already been stiff, and like my fingers, they don't feel much like responding, either. I don't think I've been in the water for long, but I'd say my ability to accurately predict the passage of time has gone out the window. That doesn't matter now, either. My kicks grow weaker and weaker until my brain and my muscles simply give up entirely.

Fear lurches through my chest and stomach, even up my throat, but that won't save me.

I writhe inwardly, silently against the chill as it continues to crawl through me. I didn't even think it was possible for it to get colder. It was already cold. It's so damn cold...

My mind begins to flicker and darken, numbness flowing over my emotions themselves. It's like my skin is gone. My thoughts are made of static, there's nothing but a twinge in my throat, in my chest, as I absently realize that I'm drowning. My arms no longer move in an attempt to save myself. They can't. Fear melts away into a desire. For warmth, for control, for oxygen…

It's ridiculous, I can't help but think.

It hadn't been that long ago that I was simply walking…

Is it really this easy to...?

I need to breathe…

It feels like a dream, almost, as terror intermingles with longing. The two become interchangeable for an instant before it feels almost peaceful.

I need to breathe…

I can't breathe…

I think it hurts...

...I…

...

I don't really comprehend, nor feel, what happens next.

There's a moment where nothing exists...

...and then in the next moment, I'm choking onto the snow, my throat feeling strained, tight, and unusually burnt as cold water rushes out and cold air rushes in. I gasp frantically, greedily, as my body realizes before my brain does that I can breathe once more. I'm surrounded by sounds, by voices, on all sides. While I know this, I can't actually hear them, nor properly see them. A frozen shudder breaks through the stillness, and a gasp strangles my breath. I can't feel anything other than that. I can barely feel the air I'm desperately taking in.

"-rkus-"

"-ister…"

"H-n-...there…"

"I-...on-...alr-gh-...sir..."

My eyes flutter open, but it doesn't help. Everything's too bleary. I struggle to connect any of the voices to faces I actually know, but one rises above the rest of them when I give it enough time. It repeats my name, again, and again. It's muffled, but that is what it's doing, I'm sure of it.

"Mar-k-s…"

…

"Markus…!"

"...Valerie…?" I finally whisper.

What is she doing out here…?

...I'd been on the phone with her.

Somehow, the fact had completely slipped my mind the moment the ice broke.

Did she pull me out? How? Did she do something stupid? Was she in danger? Who are all of these people? Where am I, exactly? I have no energy to ask any of these things. I can barely even move, and I can still hardly call what my eyes are doing 'seeing'. The only clue I get as to the events that preceded my lying here is the long coil of rope nearby.

My utterance of her name causes her to releases a sigh that's equally as tormented as it is relieved. "Markus…"

"What is…" I murmur. When did she get here? How did she find me? What did she do? My attempt to ask anything, however, is cut short by another round of coughs, this fit feeling more aggressive than the last. I feel only hints of it through the chill. I'm shivering violently, which I suppose is better than nothing, but it's still thoroughly unpleasant.

I see her hand rest on my shoulder, even though I don't feel it. "It's going to be alright, Markus, I promise." She sounds completely out of breath, I notice, but there's a certainty to her voice, as well as a light gentleness. I'm familiar with the tone from when she's reassuring patients. "The ambulance is on its way. We'll take care of it from here." Without warning, her head falls so she's pressed closer to my ear. Her tone halfway between affectionate and horrified, she whispers, "You scared the shit out of me."

I almost want to laugh, but I don't have the strength. Besides, I can tell she's serious. "...I'm sorry." I don't know if my brain has quite realized yet that the danger is over. I feel like it might still be panicking. I'm still scared. "I didn't even realize I was on ice," I tell her. I'm sure that's on her list of questions, which must be as long as my own. "If I'd known, I would've…" Would've what? I don't even know, and there's no sense dwelling on it now. "I'm sorry, Val…"

She's quiet for a moment before, to my surprise, she giggles. I don't understand why until she speaks again: "Val?" she asks. "Since when do you call me Val?" After thinking it over, she almost shyly adds, "Why don't you call me that more often?"

I've been calling her that internally practically since we met, so she deserves an explanation. I have to seriously think about it through my foggy mind, because I know there's a reason, though it doesn't come back to me right away. Slowly, I manage to answer, "Because I said you couldn't call me Mark."

"Hah!" She finally cracks a smile, despite her distress. She must remember that, too:

_"So, you're Valerie Blaylock, huh? I've seen you around. I hear you're pretty bright."_

_"Thanks! And you're Markus Vaughn? They keep telling me that you're one of the best doctors here, with your Healing Touch. I've seen the footage, it's amazing!"_

_"That doesn't define me, and it certainly doesn't make me the best. There are many talented doctors here. But I appreciate the sentiment."_

_"No need to be modest. Mind if I call you Mark?"_

_"Uh, no. Please don't."_

_"'Dr. Vaughn' is kind of boring, don't you think?"_

_"Unfortunately for you, that is my name and title, so you're stuck with it. Nice to meet you, Dr. Blaylock."_

_"Eugh, no. Just call me Valerie, and I'll call you Markus."_

_"Do I get a say in this?"_

_"No."_

In hindsight, I think this is the only introduction the two of us could've ever had. We've come pretty far since then, or at least, I'd like to think so.

What about everyone else?

"...Who are these people?" I ask softly. They've stopped talking, I think. "Do I know them?"

She quickly shakes her head. "No, I met them at Church. Mr. Anglin, Chelsea, Ian, and Ray, though Ian's not here, he's off waiting for the ambulance to arrive by the main road. You can thank them later for helping me save your life."

"No need." The voice belongs to a man my age, perhaps a little older. Presumably the father, then. "I'm simply glad that we weren't too late."

"You run fast, Miss Blaylock…" Ray says, sounding breathless himself. I manage a smirk. That must be why she's so winded, then. I wonder how long it took for her to figure it out. Did she have to run and get assistance? How far did she go?

"I'm not going to lie, that was intense…" The poor girl sounds shaken. She also sounds to be a little younger, perhaps in her mid-teens. This was probably on a rather long list of things she didn't expect to do today. I can sympathise with that.

"I'm sorry, Chelsea," Valerie says quietly, sounding a little awkward. "I know it was rather sudden, but you did great. He's not out of the woods yet, but you should be so proud of yourself. I don't know what I would've done without your help. All of you. Seriously, I'll never be able to thank you guys enough."

"It's a small community. We need to stick together and help our neighbors, don't we?" Mr. Anglin sounds surprisingly peaceful, though there is some nervousness to his voice, as well. I think he's watching me. I know I can't look good. I certainly don't feel good.

"Try not to worry, Mr. Anglin. Markus is tough, I'm sure he'll be alright, once the ambulance arrives." She sounds very optimistic about it all, and I see her throw a reassuring smile back at them, but as soon as they can't see her face, it falls, and almost inaudibly, I hear her say, "I'm so sorry, Markus. This is all my fault. If I hadn't called, you wouldn't have..."

"Stop. It's okay, Val." How is this her fault? She didn't make me go find her, and there's no guarantee I would've taken another route if I'd left the park without her apology.

If anything, I may have died tonight if she hadn't called me. If she hadn't known where I was...

There's no way to know for sure, now, but the idea scares me.

"We can talk about it later," she decides, and I have to agree. I don't really have the energy right now to discuss it in depth. "The ambulance is practically here, Ian should lead them to this spot. I contacted work, I hope that's alright. I trust the staff there to take good care of you, at least. We'll get you treated for potential hypothermia and then we'll take a look at your lungs."

Sounds like a plan. We know the staff at Montgomery Memorial to be reliable. I'll have to apologize to Dr. Hoover for the inconvenience, though. Again.

As my nerves finally begin to get the message that it's over, I start to feel lightheaded. Or maybe I've been feeling lightheaded since I came around, and I'm only now aware of it. It doesn't matter which one is true. The fact remains that it's a very, very bad thing, and I know it. Everything feels wrong.

"I'm sorry," I repeat softly, closing my eyes once more. "...And...And thank you. All of you. I..." I'm fading again. I don't know why this time, and my symptoms are hard for me to figure out when I can't feel anything. I'm losing focus fast, and I hear Valerie gasp quietly as she notices.

"A collapse-! Damnit…! Hang in there!"

Words begin to flow into one another, incomprehensible, voiceless, a torrent of incoherent sound, before that, too falls silent.

_**...** _

It's been a month and a half since then. About time I found the strength to leave my room.

I'm up earlier than I have been in a while. Making my way down the halls feels almost unfamiliar, in some ways. It took some persuading to convince Marcy that I'd be alright to move around, though she did eventually concede. Even if the worst of the symptoms subsided long ago, she's still concerned. I wonder if she'll always treat me as though I have a severe lung infection. I hope not, that'll become a nuisance. It's true that I'm still feeling some light aftershocks, but if I stay on bedrest for too much longer, the muscles in my legs are going to atrophy. Even now, they feel less steady than they should.

Or maybe that's because of everything on my mind.

...To grow as a person, one needs to have experience. I've always told myself that after I go through something particularly gruelling.

I'm not sure about the one I've just survived, however.

The memories ebb and flow in waves. The fever, the chills, the blank spots that may've been ruled by convulsions, but I never asked. The respirator, the days passing outside the window that I could only watch from inside, being confined to bed, unable to care on painkillers, in too much pain to function without them. Before that, the accident itself. The overwhelming terror that came with inhaling water, the realization that I would die, and the simultaneous realization that I was powerless to save myself…

The weight of it stops me in my tracks.

I wouldn't say I've exactly come to terms with it yet.

I'm better than I was even just a few weeks ago, but still, I shiver slightly, dread sinking into my gut. The nightmares have kept the experience fresh in my mind.

I'll feel better about it eventually, but I need to give it some time.

For now, though, I need to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be okay.

I cherish the deep breath I take, simply because I can take it.

I'm almost back to reasonable health. I'm looking forward to being a doctor once more, rather than a patient, I must say.

I've heard Valerie's been hard at work. In fact, I really haven't seen her around much. When I last saw her, she felt bad for not stopping by more often. I'd assured her that if she was saving patients and making the most of her time, I would catch up with her sooner than later.

As I make my way to the entrance, I spot a familiar face by the door. It seems he was waiting for me here. Did he want to make sure I was alright? He could've gone over my charts. Still, I appreciate that he's taking the time. I dip my head in greeting as I approach. "Good morning, Dr. Hoover."

He looks up and nods back, his expression relieved. "It's good to see you back on your feet, Dr. Vaughn. You had us all worried."

He still sounds worried, really. I smile wryly. "I had some concerns myself for a while there, but at least it's over." There's some soreness to my chest, but I'm sure it'll pass.

"Are you sure you're alright? You shouldn't push yourself too hard too soon."

"I feel okay," I assure him calmly. The cough hasn't completely subsided, and until it does, I won't be operating, but since we know it won't infect patients, I've been able to convince them that it'll be alright. "Thanks for your concern, but I'd say it's about time I repaid this hospital for everything it's done for me."

He grins gently. "I know I can't talk you out of this, so make sure to pay attention to your condition. I don't want to hear that you've collapsed. Alright?"

I nod. That would be a genuine concern at this point, so I'll have to sit down if I feel faint. And then make sure not to stand up too quickly. "Of course." Doctors have a tendency to put patients before themselves. I know I've been guilty of it before. I'll need to remind myself that for the time being, I'm both. Really, though, my health has been a main focus for too long, now. I change the subject. "Valerie should be here in about five minutes, right?"

"Yes. I haven't told her that you're fit to be moving around and working again. I've left that to you."

I asked them if they could. I wanted to surprise her. That's what I'm up for. "Perfect. Thank you." Hopefully she'll be happy.

"I suppose I should start preparing for the day. I'll see you two later. Let me know right away if you need any assistance," he says.

"Of course. Again, thank you all for taking care of me." Words won't ever be enough to express my gratitude. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about falling through the ice in the first place, and I had no control over any complications, but I feel as though I have a lot of time to make up.

He smiles once more in response. "Of course." With that, he disappears down the hall, and I wait patiently where he had been. In the meantime, I hone my focus in on my lungs. They feel secure, but I should pay attention to them and take care not to strain anything.

When the door opens, and I see Val's face, I push off the wall and face her, looking her over to check her condition. She appears to be well. I'm glad she's been taking care of herself in the meantime. She freezes when she sees me, her eyes slightly wide.

"Markus!" She's torn between joy and alarm. "Is it alright for you to be up?!"

"Yeah, I'm all set. I'm not sneaking around, I've been given the okay by the staff." They've been very cautious with my progress. I'd go as far as to call it protective. She knows that, so if I have their permission, that means I'm officially okay. "They want me to wait for a little longer before I operate, but I was hoping I could assist you with your rounds today, if that's alright." Her face lights up, and she hastily shuts the door behind her before bolting forward. I half expect to be tackled, but as she approaches, she slows down and wraps her arms more carefully around me. Considering the significant amount of chest pain caused by the infection, I appreciate her thoughtfulness. I'm not a very physically affectionate person usually, but her embrace is warm and welcome. I return it without hesitation.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she murmurs, and though I can hear she's excited, she's also a little hesitant. I'm not surprised. It was pretty serious. If it were the other way around, I'd have my doubts, too. "Are you sure you're up for this? You should focus on your recovery, it's important that you-"

"Don't worry, I'll let you know if anything comes up, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that." She releases a content sigh and presses in closer to my shoulder. I tighten my grip around her. I've had a lot of time to think about whether or not I would've died that day without her. Part of me wonders if maybe she would've tried to cut through that way had I waited on the bench, and if she may have fallen through herself. When she realized what had happened to me, she knew where to find the Anglins', she knew that they'd be willing to help her. I don't know anyone in this neighborhood like that. If it had been the other way around, could I have saved her? Would she have coped better?

Ultimately, I've decided that it doesn't matter, so long as we're both here.

"You know, I really did consider leaving while you were sick," she tells me hesitantly. I nod. When she stopped visiting, I half expected that she'd returned to Concordia without saying goodbye. I did something similar to her, after all. I'd have no right to be upset if that's what she'd ultimately decided. When I heard she was simply doing more around the hospital than she had ever been, I'd been truly, pleasantly surprised. "I spoke to Dr. Hoover about it, as well, he'd been ready to let me go...But going along my daily business around here made me realize something." She slowly releases me, taking a slight step back as she does. She looks into my eyes and smiles before she says, "We may not always get along, but we're a team. Working without my partner sucks."

I can't really control the grin that spreads across my face.

Good to know we're both on the same page.

"Let's both do our best, alright?" I say. "I'll be counting on you, Val." It feels natural, calling her that. Maybe it's because that's been her name in my head for so long, or maybe it's because we feel closer now. I can't tell. "Are you still alright with that…?"

"Hm." She gives me an affectionate nudge as she makes her way to my side. "I like Val," she tells me. I nod in response. Alright then.

As we start down the hall, she casts me a glance. "...Hey, if you're helping me with rounds, does that mean I can make you do all my paperwork?"

"Nice try." I gently knock her arm and pick up my pace so I'm walking ahead of her.

"You're a lot less likely to overdo it that way, you know," she insists.

I shake my head. I'll help, but if it's something I could just as easily do in my room, there'd be no reason for me to be up and about. "I'm not sure, I feel like I'd get so bored, I'd relapse."

"Coward."

I chuckle quietly, but I notice that she has stopped walking. She's smiling, but it looks more left over from before. Something's on her mind, and it's really bothering her. I pause as well, turning around and meeting her gaze.

I don't even have to ask her. She simply speaks. "I read the book you lent me," she says. "You said it might help me with the Healing Touch, but...I don't really get it." She shakes her head, biting her lip with frustration. "It seems like a bunch of nonsense, to me."

I sigh. I had a feeling she wouldn't understand.

"Give it some time and thought. If any specific questions come to mind, let me know," I offer.

"I've only ever seen video footage of you using it, you know," she mutters. "Why-"

"Have I not used it for you before?" That has been her biggest criticism of me since I'd told her I would teach her. How can I be doing 'everything I can' if she's never seen me use it? "The Healing Touch is not something you can throw away on any operation. I've never used it because there has never been a reason to. And that's a good thing, because we wouldn't want to run into a reason to use it. Besides, it looks and feels different for every person. What works for me will not work for you, especially since we're both so different." I shake my head. "I've told you before, and I'll tell you again: The Healing Touch does not make a good doctor. You can't rely solely on it, you need to create a solid base to stand on. If the Healing Touch falls through, or it isn't enough, then what? It's only as good as its user." I search her eyes to see if she understands. She does, but she doesn't like it, which means it might be going in one ear and out the other. I literally cannot come up with a better answer than that, so I try another approach. "Think of this as practice. You'll get there someday, but until then, keep working on the basics."

"Why can't you show me…" She's so stubborn. She already watches the video footage constantly. I don't know what else I can tell her, other than what I just did. Might as well try and put an end to the thought entirely, for the time being.

"Even if I wanted to show you today, the Healing Touch is very physically taxing. I doubt I'd be able to handle it at this point in time."

The reminder of my condition startles her back into reality. "O-Oh! Yeah, you're right." And with that, she seems on alert. Her eyes scan my body, looking for physical symptoms that haven't subsided yet. I stand still and wait for her to finish. She won't find anything. I know that. After a moment, she sighs. "It's like you were never sick…"

"I hope everyone else forgets that quickly," I say, only half teasing.

"Hey, I didn't forget, I just…" She glances over me once more, eyes narrowed in concern. She can't see pain or weakness from the outside, and there's not much I can take for it if I want to remain lucid. I'll handle it on my own. She somehow still seems to have an idea, though, because she won't relax. It's likely because she knows who she's dealing with. "You hide it too well, Markus."

She's turning away when a dull ache flares up in my torso, a cough rushing forward, cutting through my throat. I quickly cross my arm over my mouth, covering it with the crook of my elbow. My free hand clutches my chest. It's loud and admittedly rather thick, bringing a foul taste to my tongue and forcing me to hunch over. Val, caught off guard, practically jumps, whirling around to face me once more. I shake my head, trying to be dismissive, but she doesn't buy it, immediately rushing to my aid. I lower my arm and rest it against my knee, trying to find my center of balance, my stability.

She takes my shoulder carefully. "You're going back to your room," she snaps, her voice rough in contrast to her touch.

I'm not about to let her make that decision for me. "Don't overreact. It's not contagious, and it sounds worse than it is. I swear, I'm fine."

"That wasn't fine, that was so loud they probably heard it at Concordia! Geez, you probably woke up Dr. Burke!" He was always a light sleeper.

"Good, that lazy bastard needs to get up and do his job," I respond. Because he always did.

I hear her release a breath of disbelief. "You're incredible." To herself, she adds, "You're right, though. He was a prick." I smirk in amusement and shift my weight back slightly. Her grip only tightens when I attempt to pull away, however. "Markus, please."

"No. I'm fine. I mean it."

She doesn't believe me, still. I can feel it in her tension, and it only grows with the silence. Her grip genuinely starts to hurt, but I don't how to tell her that. It feels like a very long before she releases a heavy breath, and finally she tells me, "I'm not trying to win an argument here, Markus. That scared me. I...I don't think your body can handle a second round of what you went through, and I don't want to lose you. We already cut that way too close last time."

The admission on her part strikes me hard.

She really has matured, hasn't she?

It used to be that she'd never listen, but who knows.

I should try and be more reasonable with her from now on, then.

"This isn't about winning for me, either," I promise her. "I wouldn't gamble my health over something ridiculous like that."

Her fingers loosen, if only slightly. "I know you want to help, but I don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to take your time and truly recover."

"I promise, it really isn't so bad." It was much worse before. This feels like nothing in comparison. But she wasn't around for that. Maybe we can compromise. "Would it provide you any peace of mind if I let you run some tests on me as a patient here?" She seems surprised, but I don't know why. "I don't just think, I know I can't handle a second collapse. I can feel it, and I've been careful up until now because of it. The staff here has been checking constantly, I've asked them to, but I'm not going to be obstinate if you want to make sure once more. It can't hurt."

She gives a shallow nod, which slowly becomes a more confident one. With that, she helps me straighten out. "Mind if we start with that?" she asks.

"Of course." I take a few moments to catch my breath, only speaking again once the pain has mostly subsided. "The cough and occasional fits are really all that are left," I inform her. "They've lessened in frequency, but they're still intense." I manage a half-hearted smirk. "On the bright side, they don't require regulation by painkiller anymore."

"That's true…" But she looks dejected again, and I wait for her to explain. She notices, and grimaces irritably, shaking her head. "S-Sorry, it's nothing."

"What's wrong? Talk to me."

She snorts, frustrated, and but eventually relents. "I feel terrible. I left you on your own to fight the infection, and I should've…"

I rest my hand against her shoulder before she can finish, and she trails off, looking up at me. To my surprise, her eyes are slightly bleary. Does she really feel that bad about this?

She shouldn't.

I'm proud of what she's accomplished while I've been recovering.

"I said I'd catch up, didn't I?" I tell her.

"Y-Yeah, you did." She releases a long, shuddering breath. "...If something had happened to you, though...I should've been there…" She allows her head to fall, hoping that her hair might hide her tears.

There were a few times where I'd lost consciousness, convinced I would never wake up. I knew they were awful, but I didn't think enough about what it must be like from the outside.

I didn't realize I'd put her through so much.

I open my mouth to apologize, but I stop myself. It's too late for that now.

I hesitate for a moment before gently wiping away her tears. Even she seems surprised by the motion. My hand lingers against her face for far longer than it should. I don't know why. I feel as though I owe her something.

Well, my life, I guess. I owe her my life.

She already asked me not to think about it like that, but how can I not?

"I'm here now, Val," I assure her, slowly letting my hand fall away. "Don't worry about it."

She looks for an argument, she searches for protests, I'm sure she comes up with a few, but ultimately, she doesn't start. Instead, she murmurs a quiet "Alright."

I feel strangely serene about the scene playing out before us. I'm so glad…

I'm glad I'm alive.

"You wanted to run a few tests?" I ask, when I feel we've satisfied the silence around us. "Why don't you lead the way."

She shakily but genuinely giggles in response. "Don't tell me you forgot your way around already."

The last of the weight leaves my shoulder. There we are. That's the Valerie I know.

"You wouldn't want me to get lost, would you?" I say, raising an eyebrow.

She considers shoving me for a moment, I can tell she does, but after some thought, she decides against it. "This way, Markus."

We fall into step beside one another as we navigate the familiar halls.

I stop by the window almost out of instinct as we pass, staring towards the sunrise outside. She stops, as well, and she nudges me to get my attention.

"Hey, I promised I'd take you out for dinner, didn't I?" I'd completely forgotten about that. "If everything checks out okay with these tests, why don't we go tonight? I'm sure you're tired of hospital food." She has no idea. "I drove here today, so we can take the car. I wouldn't want you to overexert yourself."

I feel as though I should pay for it, really, but she sounds so genuine, so expectant, that I don't really want to get into that with her now. Perhaps when we receive the tab, we can discuss. "Sounds great." I wonder what we'll talk about. Work? The accident? Concordia? Maybe she'll try and get answers again. Or maybe we'll talk about anything, as we usually do.

It all feels so normal once more.

And yet, that dread has returned to my stomach.

"Val."

"Yeah?"

"...I want you to promise me something." She blinks, confused, and she slowly nods, but she doesn't respond. There's a heaviness to what I want to ask of her, and I think she feels it already. I search for the words to make my point. "You saved me that day," I begin. "I'm in your debt for that."

"Markus-"

"Let me finish." I turn to face her as I say it. She doesn't want me to keep going, but she's not going to stop me. If anything, she bites her tongue. So I continue. "I'm in your debt for that…Please, never end up in a situation where I can repay it in full." Neither of us are familiar with the weather or landscape here. We should both be more careful from now on. That's all I'm really trying to say, I guess.

There are too many forms of loss. They can all be so sudden...

"It's been a struggle for both of us." She closes her eyes, deep in thought for a while. "I don't want you to think you have to pay me back, Markus. You pulled through. It wasn't easy, I know that. That's enough for me, do you understand?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think you do." Her eyes snap open, and she doesn't continue until she knows I'll hear her out. I recognize the behavior from myself. I guess I'm rubbing off on her. "We're a team. Partners. Equals. You don't owe me anything but your best." With that, she offers me her hand. "Alright?"

I like the way she thinks.

I shake her hand firmly.

After all that has gone wrong, it feels like a fresh start.


End file.
